Darkest Nights
by Sherlock River Hekate
Summary: Mac's girlfriend suddenly has an unexpected anxiety attack. This is about how they get through this and how the rest of the team work with them. First and last chapters are in first person POV and the middle ones are in third person POV. Angst but with a happy ending. Obviously trigger warnings for anxiety/panic attacks, negative self talk and possible suicidal idealogy.
1. Chapter 1

It wasn't all that late, only about half past nine at night. Despite that, I was feeling incredibly tired. I hadn't had a remarkably busy day, or woken up early that morning, but I was ready for bed. I had to be up early for work the next morning, so I gave in to the feeling and rose from the couch.

"I'm heading to bed," I told Mac, as I walked past him tinkering on the floor of the lounge room.  
He looked his watch. "It's only nine thirty. Are you alright?"  
I nodded. "Early morning tomorrow. I'm feeling tired so I may as well go to bed."  
He hummed thoughtfully. "I just want to finish this." He waved at the machine pieces on the floor. "I'll come to bed later, if that's okay."  
"Sure, take your time."  
I gave him a quick kiss and he returned to what he was doing while I went to get ready for bed.

I woke to pitch black darkness around me. There was a weight over my waist and a warm body behind me. That meant that it was at least late enough that Mac had come to bed. 

I noticed my heart was beating faster than normal, and my breathing was quicker than it should be. I could hear no sounds that should have woken me, or that would indicate danger. I doubted there was any; after the army, Mac woke up at anything that could be danger. Yet, the longer I laid there, the more my heart rate increased, and it was becoming a struggle to breathe. I could feel a heavy weight settling in my stomach, a ball of anxiety knotting itself up and making me feel uneasy. Taking a deep breath, I made a conscious effort to focus on my surroundings and to slowly let my breath out. A slow breath in for seven counts, then hold it for four. Slowly let that breath out for seven counts, and hold it again for another four. Stop, repeat.  
The heavy feeling didn't abate and breathing still felt too difficult. Carefully I tried to sit up, not wanting to wake my sleeping partner. My eyes were slowly becoming accustomed to the gloom, the shapes of our room furnishings appearing out of the darkness. There was a coolness in the air that I could feel seeping through my pyjamas and settling on my skin. Despite the goose bumps, I welcomed the feeling. The colder air made it a little easier to breathe, and I felt the knot in my stomach loosen a fraction. However, as it started to ease, a sound outside the window made me jump and all of a sudden I was wide awake and struggling to breathe again.

I reached for my phone, either to look at the time or try and distract myself with some social media; I wasn't sure. The light was bright in the darkness, causing me to squint my eyes, even though the brightness of the screen was as far down as it could go. Beside me, Mac made a noise and shifted. I pointed the screen away from him, but he had already woken up.  
"Everything alright?" he asked, voice groggy.  
The ball of anxiety tightened further, and I felt incredibly guilty for waking him up.  
"I'm fine," I managed to choke out. My voice was tight and I didn't sound believable to even my own ears. Obviously Mac agreed, as he sat up beside me.

"Are you sure?"  
That was all it took, and I felt tears start to slip out.  
"Hey, hey, it's okay." He pulled me closer to him. "What's happened?"  
I shook my head. "Nothing. I don't know. I just woke up, and I'm not okay."  
"That's okay." He held me close for a few moments.  
"I can't breathe," I told him quietly.  
Mac took one of my hands and placed it on his chest. He started using the seven-four breathing pattern. As his chest rose and fell under my palm, I felt my own breathing start to do the same. At first, I consciously tried to copy him, and then eventually I was following the breathing pattern of my own accord, continuing until I felt mildly better. Breathing was easier and my heart rate had started to slow as well, most likely mimicking the beat I could feel through Mac's chest.  
"I'm sorry," I told him miserably.  
"There's nothing to be sorry about." He kissed my forehead.  
"You shouldn't have to deal with this," I told him.  
"Nor should you."  
"How many times are you going to wake up in the middle of the darkest nights and find me crying?" I said bitterly.  
"As many times as it happens. Everyone has demons, and we both know there are nights when we wake up and the other won't be okay."

"I don't want you to have to wake up and find me in a puddle of my own tears," I told him.  
"Sometimes everything becomes too much. I don't care if I find you in a puddle of your bravest tears." He smiled at me in the dark as I scoffed at his words.  
"They don't seem very brave to me."

A while later, once I felt a little bit more normal, I spoke up.  
"It was like there was a ball of something sitting in my stomach and winding its way up into my chest, wrapping around my lungs," I explained.  
"It sounds like an anxiety attack," Mac told me. "You haven't had one of those in ages."  
I nodded slowly. "Yeah, everything has been going okay. I thought they'd stopped."  
"Maybe everything at work just started taking its toll?" he considered.

Even though nothing serious had happened and I loved my work, especially as it was with the Phoenix Foundation with Mac, maybe something had been building up without my acknowledgement.

"Maybe, but now I just know I'm going to be tired when I get up for work tomorrow," I said dejectedly. I knew I'd been awake for about an hour and it would take me a while to get back to sleep again. Unbidden, I felt panic start to creep up in my brain. Mac must have sensed it, and he grabbed my hands.

"It's okay. Let's lie down for a moment." Once we were both lying down, Mac a comforting weight behind me with his arms wrapped around me, he spoke again. "Take a deep breath in and then tell me three things you can hear."

I breathed in and let the air out gradually before speaking. "The occasional bird chirping outside the window, the wind as it moves through the trees, your breathing,"

"Good, now can you tell me three things you can see?"  
I snorted. "It's the middle of the night. The room's dark, Mac."

He hummed.

"Okay, the moonlight through the curtains, my phone on the bedside table, black as I close my eyes," I listed.  
"Point taken, but we're going through this first; you know it helps."  
I wanted to sleep, but he was right. It was grounding and would help me get back to sleep.  
"Three things you can smell, then?"  
"The laundry detergent on the sheets, the candle I had burning earlier and you."  
"Hey!" he said softly. "I don't smell."  
"Never said you did, love. You just smell like you; it's comforting."

He tightened his grip on me, kissing my hair. "If you're feeling better, last one. Name three things you can feel."

My eyes were starting to feel heavy, even though they were already closed. "The sheets over me, my pyjamas, and your arms holding me." I smiled.

Mac let out a soft breath, gently ruffling my hair. "Alright now?"

"I think I'll be able to sleep. Thank you," I agreed.  
He bid me good night and we both feel back into sleep.

I had to be at work earlier than Mac, so I was leaving the house just as Mac started his shower. He'd woken briefly when I got out of bed but fell back to sleep when he knew I was okay. I still felt off balance. I could breathe but my head felt fuzzy, like it was filled with cotton wool and I was seeing everything from a distance. I was glad the roads were quiet as I drove to work; it meant there was one less thing I needed to worry about when I couldn't focus on more than one thing at a time. As I parked my car I inhaled slowly and then let it out as I got out and walked into work. I pushed the remaining anxiety away; it was time to focus.


	2. Chapter 2

Mac got up and stumbled to the shower. His sleep had been restless after his girlfriend fell back to sleep. It wasn't that he couldn't sleep, it was more that he was worried that Sarah wasn't okay and he needed to be there for her. He just hoped the warm water would wake him up.

While it did do something to wake him, Mac was still tired when he made his way into the kitchen. Bozer looked up when he entered, and then passed over the cup of coffee he had just made. Mac took it, gratitude in his eyes.

"Rough night?" Bozer asked.  
"A little," Mac agreed. "Sarah didn't sleep well." He didn't really want to add any more than that at this stage.  
"Did she have an early shift?" Bozer asked, looking out the window for her car.  
"Yeah." he would have said more but just then his phone chimed. Mac picked it up quickly, glancing down at the sender.

'_Please tell me you're coming in today._' Sarah had sent.  
Mac frowned at the phone, the message not reassuring him.  
_'I'll be there in about half an hour. Should I come up to you?'_ He sent back.  
"Boze, are you ready to go?" He called out.  
There was a shout and then Bozer came back in, pulling on shoes. "Am now. Is she okay?"  
Mac pursed his lips. "I'm really not sure, but she said she'll be ok for now, so …." He trailed off.  
"Come on, man. Let's go to work and take it from there." 

They both left for the Phoenix Foundation. At least Mac knew he could get to her quickly if he was in the building. When Mac and Bozer arrived at the Phoenix foundation, they both headed to their own laboratory space. Matty hadn't said that they were needed for a mission yet, so they were free to work on their own projects. It was mid-morning and Mac had left the lab to look for a reagent kept in a different space. As he was walking, he came across his boss, Matty Webber.

"Please don't tell me we have a mission," Mac called out as Matty walked up to him.  
"No mission," she replied. "What's got you so worried, blondie?"  
Mac shook his head. "It's nothing. Just…" he trailed off. "Do you know where Sarah's working today?"  
"Wherever she had been rostered on," She told him. "I know what's going on in the foundation, but I don't know where every single employee is."

"But you would have been notified if she'd asked to swap shifts with someone, yeah?" Mac asked.  
"Yes, I would. What's gotten into you?"  
The tension in Mac's shoulders lessened a little hearing this. "Just thought I'd surprise her for lunch. Wanted to make sure I knew which lab she was in."

"You lie terribly," Matty told him, but she let it go.

It was just before lunch time when Mac's phone received a message. He checked it, still discussing the best way to do the robotics for the drone they were working on. Bozer watched Mac's face go from curious to worried and then perfectly blank.  
"I have to go," he told them, pocketing the phone and turning to leave.  
Riley looked after him in worry. "Is everything okay?" she asked with a frown.  
"Yeah," Bozer said then stopped. "Maybe not," he amended.  
"I've never seen him that worried except for the time Nikki was badly injured," Jack said. "Oh."

Bozer nodded. "Yeah, Mac said Sarah hadn't slept well but…"  
"You think it's a bit more serious than that?" Jack asked.

Bozer nodded. "Yeah, but I also think we should let Mac handle this."  
The other two nodded their assent.


	3. Chapter 3

Mac knocked on the laboratory door then waited to be let in. When there was no movement he knocked again. He still couldn't hear anything or see any signs of someone moving. Not wanting to waste any more time he typed in the pass code he had been given for the laboratory and pushed the door open. 

When he entered, he saw Sarah sitting on the floor with her back against her desk. She was staring ahead unblinkingly, her phone lying on the floor beside her hand. It didn't look like she was breathing, but as he got closer he saw that she was taking shallow, measured breaths. She made no indication that she had seen him, even as he knelt beside her.  
"Sarah," he said softly. "What's happened?" She turned to look at him but didn't say anything. "Where's everyone else?" he tried.  
She swallowed and then took a breath in. "Just me and Emily. She spilt something when I bumped her. She went to change." She looked at her hands. "How can I be so stupid? How hard is it to just watch what I'm doing?" she hissed.

"I'm sure it wasn't your fault," Mac told her. "Accidents happen."

"Well, they shouldn't. All it takes is for me to watch what the hell I'm doing!" she said angrily, then she sighed. "She should have spilt it on me, at least I deserved it."  
"Hey, don't say that." Mac sat down beside her, taking one shaking hand in his own.  
Sarah looked down at her hand free which was shaking and had permanent marker stains on the inside. "I shouldn't have messaged you," she told him. "I should have dealt with this like an adult. It's just something stupid, nothing to get so worked up over."

Mac's heart broke to hear her talking like that. She had been doing so well lately, her anxiety attacks had all but stopped. He knew that sometimes it didn't take a particular thing to start it all up again, but she must have started to crack under the pressure of work. Between the anxiety attack last night and then this small accident, it started that spiral of thoughts and brought her to the ledge where she couldn't talk herself down. 

"You know you can always message me, especially if you need me," he told her gently. "I know it might not seem like it, but whatever happened here, whatever caused the incident with Emily, it wasn't your fault."

Sarah laughed shakily. "I know, but that makes it worse. I just broke down over something stupid."

"It wasn't something stupid." Mac told her gently. "You were on edge to begin with, and then something unplanned happened. It's enough to throw anyone. Your brain chemistry is unbalanced, and it made it all seem so much worse than it was." Sarah nodded slowly. "I'm so proud of you," he told her. "You let me know; you got help so you weren't dealing with this on your own when you couldn't cope."

"I probably shouldn't have stayed around the needles when all I wanted was to make the pain and the voices in my head stop…"

The grip Mac had on her hand tightened. "Did you think you'd be able to resist, though?"

"Yes, that's why I didn't swap shifts."

Mac smiled at her. "Then you made an informed decision. When things became too much, you let me know. You didn't touch the needles. You're doing okay."

She nodded at him. Her breath had started to come more naturally, and she wasn't staring unblinkingly off into the distance either. "All I could think was that I needed you here, I needed you now, right now," she admitted. "You're kinda like a remedy when you're right there in front of me."

"The bravest of faces are the ones where we fake being okay." Mac kissed her forehead, brushing the slightly sweaty red strands off her face. 

She nodded, leaning into him. They stayed like that for a while, the final tremors that were rippling through Sarah slowly stopping.


	4. Chapter 4

They left the foundation to get some food, and when they returned Sarah decided she would spend the afternoon catching up on research articles rather than working in the medical laboratory. Mac felt more at ease knowing she was somewhere with fewer triggers. When he returned to his laboratory, Bozer and Riley faced him with worried expressions.  
"Is everything okay?" Bozer asked.  
"Is Sarah okay?" Riley cut to the chase.  
"How did you know it was about Sarah?" Mac asked.  
"Jack mentioned the last time he'd seen that expression on your face, it had to do with Nikki being injured," she told him.  
Mac nodded slowly. "Okay, but what I'm going to say goes no further than us," he told them. "Where's Jack? He should know too, if I'm telling you two." 

Riley called Jack to tell him to get his ass up to them. Once Jack had joined Bozer, Riley and Mac in the laboratory they locked the door so that no one else, even those with the code, could get in while Mac was talking.

"Sarah has mild anxiety and sometimes has anxiety attacks." Mac began. "I've known this from the start, and she's been getting better. Last night she had an attack with no trigger and was still a little off balance when she came to work. There was a small accident in the lab, and someone had a vial of blood spilt on them. Sarah had bumped them, and it tipped her over the edge emotionally."

"Is she alright?" Bozer interrupted.  
"Physically she's fine, and so is the other person involved. Emotionally she's still a little shaky and upset. She blames herself. But she will be okay."  
"Thank you for telling us, for trusting us," Riley said.  
"Yeah, brother," Jack said. "If there is ever anything we can do to help her, let us know." 

Mac ran a hand through his hair, letting out a breath he hadn't realised he was holding. "Thank you, for listening," he told them. "I know it's not really my secret to tell, but Sarah isn't in any condition to tell you guys today, and we had discussed telling you all sometime soon."

"Does she prefer being alone when she's like this or with people?" Bozer asked.  
"For now, if she's having an anxiety attack, get me. Over time, she might become okay with the rest of you," Mac explained. "Once the attack's over, it really depends on Sarah, but today I think a quiet movie night would be okay."

Bozer nodded. "Alright. I'll get some chamomile tea, 'cause that is meant to be relaxing, and chocolate for the endorphins. Maybe some ice cream, too? Do I need to know about triggers in movies? Is there a movie Sarah likes that we don't have? Because watching movies we know the ending of helps with removing anxiety too."

"How do you know that?" Mac looked at him in disbelief.

"I did some research after you got back from Afghanistan," he admitted. "I know some Vets return with PTSD and anxiety, and I just wanted to be able to help if you did."  
Both Mac and Jack looked at Bozer curiously. They hadn't stopped to think that someone at home would be worried about them enough to do that.

"You're one hell of a person, Bozer," Jack said.

"Get all that," Riley told him. "Peppermint tea and green tea as well. It says here they're supposed to help with anxiety." She pointed to her laptop screen.

"Thank you so much," Mac told them.  
"Of course." Jack threw an arm around his shoulder. "We all care about her."


	5. Chapter 5

It was later than night and we were lying in bed, everyone having left once the movie was finished.

"I'm glad you told them," I told Mac, "and I'm glad they don't see it as a problem."

"It's not a problem," Mac told me. "You're doing what you can to manage it, but sometimes everything you can do isn't enough to stop your own brain. We both know what it's like to have your brain run away from you."  
"I can't believe Bozer went out and got tea and chocolate just because they are good for anxiety."  
"Of course he did." Mac hugged me. "We all care about you. Not just me, but Bozer and Riley and Jack as well."

"But it means I won't always be the most fun person to be around…."  
"I don't mind, and somehow I don't think they will either. There will always be time to crack another smile, even if it isn't today or for a while. Keep holding on and you'll be able to laugh again someday."  
"What if it doesn't? What if I go to bed each night praying that tomorrow it's okay, but I'm stuck like this?"

"Then we will find out what other services we can use," Mac said seriously. "A psychologist, or even medication. If it'll help, then do it. Medication isn't a failure, and it isn't giving up, and I'll be there every step of the way, you know that."

"You'd stay with me even if I'm broken?"  
"Firstly, you're not broken. Secondly, I'm in this for the long run Sarah. I'll be right beside you, whatever it takes. Even the deepest scars in time will fade."  
I nodded, tucking myself against Mac. "Thank you. I love you Angus MacGyver."  
"I love you, too," Mac whispered.  
I fell asleep with his arms around, and I could believe that tomorrow would be a better day.


End file.
